June 18th

I'm having a hard day today.  I think it's similar to the beginning of chemo.  About a week after I started chemo I sat and thought about it and the thought of making it through 16 weeks of chemo was just flat overwhelming.  Everytime I thought about it I teared up...I just didn't think I would be strong enough or brave enough.  Well, guess what,  I did make it through 17 weeks of chemo!  Then two surgeries!!!  I am standing at the gates of the last type of treatment that I have to take and the thought of doing this for 6 more weeks is terrifying.  It's the unknown.  I don't know what I'll feel like 6 weeks from now, but I can't imagine I'll be feeling very well.  That's scary.  What's even more scary is that I'll be done doing all the different things that man has discovered that will fight this disease and....what if it doesn't work?  At the end of radiation, we've done all we can do and what if it doesn't go away?  I have faith (and a lot of it)....but this is really hard.  Believing with all your heart that Christ loves you enough and wants you to be well is much easier said than done.  God has used this sickness as a tool to lead me through a journey of self discovery.  I can honestly say that I am not the same person I was on November 30, 2012.  My relationship with God is not the same as it was that day.  I am so far from being the person that I feel like God knows I can be, but I want to be that person so much more now.