Happy New Year and This Too Shall Pass

I've had a hard start to 2013.  I made it to 12:03am on January 1st, wished my wonderful husband a Happy New Year and fell asleep.  There aren't words to describe how hard this is.  January 2nd I had my 3rd Chemo treatment.  I wish I could say I was a trooper, but I spent January 1st pretty emotional because I was so anxious about the 3rd treatment.  I wish I could sugar coat this and just say it's not a big deal...that it doesn't make you feel that bad, but that would be a lie.  I only feel physically "bad" for a few days, but emotionally, I'm a mess.  I'm surprised if a day passes that I don't shed at least one tear.  My whole life I've worked hard.  I've been able to put my mind to something and work hard to get it done.  This battle is different.  I can't "do" anything.  My job is to rest while the chemo works, but today was day 7 since the day I received treatment and I wanted to be back at work today.  I just couldn't do it.  I feel helpless.  Taking a shower today and fixing food for myself was all I could muster.  I'm not hurting, I'm just so weak.  It's so easy for people to tell me that I'm doing what I'm supposed to..."I'm getting better, that's all I'm supposed to do."...but they just don't understand.  My job was supposed to be taking care of my husband and two year old.  I am supposed to be doing the laundry and cleaning the toilets and putting new pull ups on my little girl.  I will never look at the mundane tasks of life the same again.  Just like everyone else, I took the ability to take care of myself and my family for granted.  My poor husband just hugs me and encourages me when I break down, but I feel guilty that he has to fight this battle with me.  He has to work harder to fill in where I can't.  He tells me how proud of me he is.  My little girl strokes my cheek and tells me, "Mommy, it ok..."  I never loved them more deeply than I do now.  I keep telling myself that "This too shall pass!".  I know this will end and I'll look back on this time and be thankful for the lessons I'm learning, but right now it's just hard.  I still get to spend time with Ashlyn.  We watch lots of movies together and draw.  I am so looking forward to the day I get to go play in the park and chase her around.  It seems a lot like a dream...to imagine that day.  It seems so far off in the future, but I know it will come.  I know God has a purpose for this trial and He has supported me each step of the way.  I have so many stories of testimony of how He has gone before me and preordained provisions to come at the right time in the right place.  I wouldn't make it through this without my faith and the amazing people that God has placed along my path.  I can't say thank you enough for each and every person who offers a prayer on my behalf.  I can't say thank you enough for each and every encouraging word that comes my way.  I know in the next couple days I'll have what I call my "turnaround day".  The day that my strength comes back and I can proceed through a few days playing catch up and getting ready to do the whole thing all over again.  I'm not 100% for those days, but I'm about 80% and those days are so precious to me!  I do have good news.  My oncologist ran some more thyroid tests and they all came back normal, so prayers were answered!  Also, the chemo is working!  May be too much information for some, but the inflammation in my breast has diminished SO MUCH!  The doctor said he thought of it in the beginning as about the size of an orange (and we're not talking about a clementine) with no way of determining any definition around the edges.  It was so huge and swollen and it hurt.  You can still feel really hard tissue, but it has improved dramatically!  That is what the chemo does.  It shrinks the cancer cells.  I have such a long road ahead, but I really am trying to stay positive.