Mimi came the day before my chemo treatment and stayed the night to watch Ashlyn the next day. Good thing too since there were tornado watches and warnings until 10:00am and we were supposed to be at the office at 9:15. We felt we were in the clear and safe to travel at about 9:15, so we were only an hour late for the doctor's appointment. We'd have been a lot later if Mimi hadn't been there because most of the businesses, including Ashlyn's school, had delayed opening until 10am. Mimi stayed almost an entire week! Mimi prepared Ashlyn's very first Tea Party complete with finger sandwiches, cookies, real tea and HATS! Mimi had told Ashlyn that if she did what she was told, they would have a tea party the next day. Ashlyn talked about the tea party for the rest of that day and then woke me up the next morning saying, "I'm going to have Tea Party!!!!". She was so excited! I can tell you that the Tea Party was a complete success! We even started teaching Ashlyn how to stick her little pinky finger out! She was a big hoot and it was nice to have a little fun and I can't tell you how much that little giggle warms my heart!
I had my first chemotherapy treatment with Taxotere on January 30th. Today is the first day I've been able to get out of bed and get on the computer. Taxotere left it's mark...literally! I have a rash that looks like a burn (thankfully it doesn't feel like a burn!) that extends across half of the top of one hand and I have spots of the rash on the other hand. With just the first treatment I spent three days aching so badly that it took two Lortab 7.5's at a time every 6 hours to ease the pain. When I got this dose of chemo, I don't think I'd really recovered from the last dose of the other kind of medicine, so I've spent the last 15 days with my throat and tongue hurting so badly that I've been living off protein shakes, ice cream, applesauce, pudding and soup. One of the major side effects of Taxotere is known to be Neuropathy. That is nerve damage in your hands and feet. I had the tiniest taste of that, but thankfully it was held at bay. I'm using this blog to keep people updated about my progress, but I've had this blog for over two years. This blog is a sort of journal for me. A reminder of things we've done and how we've grown as a family and how I'm growing as an individual...so I'm honest. I don't often write about the really bad things because quite frankly....I don't want to remember them. I want to look back and remember when things were good. Even in the bad, you can find the good. What I see at the end of this journey for me though is to look back at the horrific experience that has been fighting breast cancer and know that I wasn't imagining that I was being tough....that I really am tough. I only cried for two days this go around. Hey! That's good progress for me! One of those crying days I felt led to call a fellow cancer survivor who had reached out to me earlier. She is a member of our church and I just couldn't shake the feeling that she was the one I needed to call and break down to. She mentioned a song that I have listened to every day since... (sorry...you may have to watch a commercial first)
This song struck me to the very fiber of all that I had been feeling. It's so hard when you feel this bad to not feel abandoned. Not to question God's faithfulness. Part of the song is based on two bible verses:
1.) Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
2.) Genesis 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
As I listened more, I was reminded that God IS Sovereign over me. "Sovereign" is defined as "A supreme ruler; Possessing supreme or ultimate power; Lord; King" He is my King and I am here to do as sees fit. He has a purpose for my pain. He is refining me. He is molding my faith, my values and my priorities. Knowing those two things - that he promises good for me and that He has the supreme power to see it through gives me solace in this struggle.
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