Day 6

Day 6:  This day was good and bad.  The good was... I got the ok from the doc on day 5 and decided to go back to work today.  BEST decision for me!  I'm not a home body.  I need to feel productive.  I need to be around people.  At home I couldn't get work done just right, but I was too tired to do house work.  It was too quiet and I was lonely.  The anxiety was overwhelming me and I hadn't slept a full night since the night before my Chemo started. I was waking up in cold sweats every two hours.  I thought, "I can't live like this".  I called the doctor and they called in a prescription for something to help me sleep.  I'm writing this on day 7 and let me tell you...I am still so tired I can't describe it in full justice with words, but I feel so much better because I had the break of a night's sleep.  The bad is... this isn't going away any time soon.  I've got a long haul in front of me and I know that I have awesome support of friends and family and I'm going to rally and be strong, but I'm not fooling myself into thinking that this is going to be pleasant or easy.  It's hard for me to let other people take control.  I'm learning the lesson of humility very quickly.  One of the highlights of my day was getting to sit down with a breast cancer survivor.  Out of respect for her privacy, I will not be blogging a lot about her, but can I just say that I am so grateful God put her in my path.  I needed to hear just the things she was saying yesterday.  I have had so many survivors reach out to me and I haven't gotten to talk with all of them yet.  It's not because I don't want to, it's just that I'm still trying to go through the stages of accepting that I have this battle ahead of me.  Sometimes I just want to pretend I'm not really sick.  The myriad of emotions that I've faced in one week is enough to make my head spin.  I'll be honest.  I'm scared.  I'm scared of so many different things that I won't even try to write them all down, but I'm also a Christian.  Because I am a child of God, I know I'm not alone.  None of this was a surprise to God and none of this is too big for God.  God will provide for our needs physically, financially, and emotionally.  I have to say a special thank you to my step-sister Lindsey.  She is really stepping up to help with Ashlyn.  I want more than anything to take care of my crazy little 2 year old!!!!...but yesterday I just had to go to bed before David had gotten back home.  Lindsey took over and helped get her into bed.  David is running around like crazy!  He drives me to work and then Ashlyn to school.  He works hard all day, then picks me and Ashlyn up.  He went to the drug store to get my new favorite medicine that helps me sleep and other items that were a complete must.  I am so blessed to be married to this gorgeous, encouraging, intelligent, strong, amazing man.  As always, I am so incredibly grateful for the prayers and encouragement!